Lent Vs. Anger

Today while shoveling my driveway I was thinking about Lent and fasting. As a child we would give up something for Lent and not eat meat on Fridays if I remember correctly. I have not done any of this in years. Well I hadn't gone to church in years. Just recently I started attending a wonderful church. It's not a Catholic church, like I grew up in, so i'm not sure how they follow Lent and if they have the same traditions. But I am thinking of going old school this year. Yes giving up meat on Friday. Also giving up something that is hard for me. So as I thought about this while shoveling, first thing that comes to mind is some type of unhealthy food. But honestly I don't eat all that unhealthy and I don't think that would be so hard. So as I have wrote about, this winter has been a personal struggle for me. Feeling distant, a little depressed, and finding my newest journey in life. So I think the hardest but best thing to give up for Lent would be anger and negativity. I have been unable to let a lot of things go or forgive much lately. I am letting this negativity control my life. It is time to move on and be happy. I have a wedding I am planning with a man I love so much, a great family, 3 healthy kids, and a home I can call my own. I look back to where I was last year to where I am now and it's been such a positive change. But I have been hurt by some people I love dearly, and I have an old demon that I have had to confront this year and it has been difficult. I'm sure this is why I hold onto so much anger. I need to forgive. I have prayed for months to forgive and have been angry with god because I can't seem to let go. So I am going to start with a smaller step. Giving up anger and negativity should help me to forgive and move on. So Lent starts in about 2 weeks. So I have 2 weeks to be angry than i'm giving it up cold turkey. I look so much better when i'm happy anyways. Lent is actually something I feel strongly that I need to participate in this year. I am in the spiritual position right now where I need fasting and prayer. I need a stronger relationship with god. Matthew 4:1-11, Jesus was sent into the wilderness by the Spirit. Where he fasted and prayed for 40 days. During his time there he was tempted by Satan and found clarity and strength to resist temptation. Afterwards, he was ready to begin his ministry. I don't want to be a minister but I want to resist satan and be closer to god. I think this has presented itself to me at the perfect time in my life and spiritual journey.

Remember San Francisco? Time to motivate!

Staying motivated when no one is pushing you or no one has any expectations for you is hard. I have put on weight since I quit working, especially over the holidays. I really want to lose this weight but I hate to exercise. I thought Tim being a gym rat would be a great work out partner. Maybe willing to push me. But I was wrong. He is less motivated than I am so I decided if I want my body back I need to motivate myself. I have been consistent recently with working out and it feels great, sore but great. Now to tackle the bigger issue. I need to do something with my life other than sitting at home. I have never been one to be happy with out working towards a goal. I think this is also why I don't like jobs where there is no forward moving goal or room for advancement. So here is the bigger question. Do I start applying for jobs around here? Or do I enroll in school for spring semester? I have always wanted to go back to school, I just don't know what to major in. I do know I need to make a choice and pursue it. I am my happiest being busy, pursuing things even if those things are small goals. I need to be my own motivation. I can't depend on people that is for sure. I recently have felt so alone and off. The past 5 years I have seen friends come and go but I have always had some really close friends who were always around. Recently I feel them slipping away as well. I do realize our lives change and take different paths but that doesn't seem like enough for me. I try so hard to hold on to some of these relationships in my life and they apparently don't feel the same way and reciprocate the same feelings towards me. It really hurts just thinking about it because I really value these people in my life. I have thought maybe it's me even. I noticed even a distance with my sisters lately. Becky and I never seemed to be super close i'm sure because of age difference but now we talk more, I wish there was something we could really bond over, but maybe my expectations are to high. Karen and I use to be so close, we talked all the time. She invited me to lots of fun fancy events. Now I think we have talked once on the phone since this fall. Sara and I have always had our differences probably because we are so much alike. Over the summer we got really close. Closer than I ever thought even possible. Now we talk about our kids on occasion but not like it was before. Maybe I am a bratty little sister, maybe i'm selfish, maybe they're ashamed that I have never accomplished much in my life. I have always been kind of a black sheep. Never have done things the way people expect. I also recognize I tend to not finish things I start and the older I get the more sad that makes me. They say I'm an artist, but that's not something I have achieved. It's something I just happen to be ok at doing. It's not something I can make a living with or have won a prize for. I want to make my family proud so badly, but I won't compromise myself either. So this is why i'm in such a rut. The things I love to do and accomplish are not realistic and I know this. But I can't seem to settle for a regular job or life. I have worked jobs I hated to make ends meet, don't get me wrong i'm not to prideful to take care of my family. But if i'm really going to pursue something whole heartedly I need to love it. The crazy thing is even though I feel distant to everyone lately, I know without a doubt, no matter how crazy my plan is, they will support me all the way. Remember San Francisco? I moved there to pursue fashion design, not knowing a soul, just took off. Although it didn't go the way I planned, it was a life changing experience and amazing how much support I had. I have been emotional about all this lately, but just writing this reassures me that today won't last forever, tomorrow I can dream big, and no matter what I will have support on my crazy train. It's amazing how writing and letting my feelings out on "paper" helps me find what I need to hear.

Loving when you think you can't anymore

Sometimes I catch myself trying to explain to children things I barely understand. How do I explain war, and differences in different wars. I know I have understood so much more with the little experiences I have had and Tim has shared. But it doesn't explain the amplitude of war and what soldiers went and are going through. My grandpa, great uncles, uncles, aunts, and may family members served but never talked. It was considered taboo in my home. But now being a caregiver has given me a different perspective. I will never truly understand but I can try better now than before. I deal with the repercussions of Tim's service every day. It has drove a wedge between us. He is so sensitive and blows up about so many things that should be a small fight to most couples. He reacts and is emotionally completely different from almost all men. I'm learning day by day to deal. But I am not so great at it, I will admit. A simple fight for most is WW3 in my home. I always try to talk or think of my mothers advice, she has always been the sense of reason in my life but she tries but is clueless on this subject. Although not her fault. I have reached out for support and I have done so much research it makes me sick. I just somedays wish for something normal and easy. Although god knows I have always hated both and strived for a more interesting life! i lift my worries up to him. This at this point is in god's hands and i can't control it.

Winter Blues

Haven't felt much motivation lately. Honestly I have felt down in the dumps a bit. Putting on weight, not wanting to work out, secluding myself, being cranky for no good reason, not doing things I usually enjoy. I have known the past few weeks that I am a little depressed. Tim pointed it out to me, but I couldn't seem to come out of it. Tell he got upset and felt unloved. I'm usually a clingy love obsessed freak so I understand his concern. I hate seeing Tim upset and concerned like that. I knew I needed to show him my love even if I wasn't feeling very lovey dovey. Tim also not feeling well the past few days kicked in my natural care taker instinct. I always wake up at 7:30 with Jasmine and send her off to school in the morning and than fall asleep on the couch to some show. The past few days hoping I don't have to move or be obligated to anything. Today was different. I got coffee, ate breakfast, watched my show, but today I had a smile while doing so. I have ambition while waiting for Tim to wake up and work out with me. Tim without even technically trying pulled me out of my winter blues. By pointing out himself feeling unloved and telling me it was not ok, I forced myself to love him and do things I enjoy with him. In the end making me happy again. I go through this I think every year, but usually lasts longer. I know I need a job or more of a social life, even though it never seems like the right time. I know I need to do what makes me happy. And sometimes it takes work to pursue this happiness. I will never understand how people can be happy being hermits all the time, although I do understand how nice it is to never deal with other people's drama. Man I never thought it was possible. Well happy Thursday morning, and have an amazing day!