Remember San Francisco? Time to motivate!

Staying motivated when no one is pushing you or no one has any expectations for you is hard. I have put on weight since I quit working, especially over the holidays. I really want to lose this weight but I hate to exercise. I thought Tim being a gym rat would be a great work out partner. Maybe willing to push me. But I was wrong. He is less motivated than I am so I decided if I want my body back I need to motivate myself. I have been consistent recently with working out and it feels great, sore but great. Now to tackle the bigger issue. I need to do something with my life other than sitting at home. I have never been one to be happy with out working towards a goal. I think this is also why I don't like jobs where there is no forward moving goal or room for advancement. So here is the bigger question. Do I start applying for jobs around here? Or do I enroll in school for spring semester? I have always wanted to go back to school, I just don't know what to major in. I do know I need to make a choice and pursue it. I am my happiest being busy, pursuing things even if those things are small goals. I need to be my own motivation. I can't depend on people that is for sure. I recently have felt so alone and off. The past 5 years I have seen friends come and go but I have always had some really close friends who were always around. Recently I feel them slipping away as well. I do realize our lives change and take different paths but that doesn't seem like enough for me. I try so hard to hold on to some of these relationships in my life and they apparently don't feel the same way and reciprocate the same feelings towards me. It really hurts just thinking about it because I really value these people in my life. I have thought maybe it's me even. I noticed even a distance with my sisters lately. Becky and I never seemed to be super close i'm sure because of age difference but now we talk more, I wish there was something we could really bond over, but maybe my expectations are to high. Karen and I use to be so close, we talked all the time. She invited me to lots of fun fancy events. Now I think we have talked once on the phone since this fall. Sara and I have always had our differences probably because we are so much alike. Over the summer we got really close. Closer than I ever thought even possible. Now we talk about our kids on occasion but not like it was before. Maybe I am a bratty little sister, maybe i'm selfish, maybe they're ashamed that I have never accomplished much in my life. I have always been kind of a black sheep. Never have done things the way people expect. I also recognize I tend to not finish things I start and the older I get the more sad that makes me. They say I'm an artist, but that's not something I have achieved. It's something I just happen to be ok at doing. It's not something I can make a living with or have won a prize for. I want to make my family proud so badly, but I won't compromise myself either. So this is why i'm in such a rut. The things I love to do and accomplish are not realistic and I know this. But I can't seem to settle for a regular job or life. I have worked jobs I hated to make ends meet, don't get me wrong i'm not to prideful to take care of my family. But if i'm really going to pursue something whole heartedly I need to love it. The crazy thing is even though I feel distant to everyone lately, I know without a doubt, no matter how crazy my plan is, they will support me all the way. Remember San Francisco? I moved there to pursue fashion design, not knowing a soul, just took off. Although it didn't go the way I planned, it was a life changing experience and amazing how much support I had. I have been emotional about all this lately, but just writing this reassures me that today won't last forever, tomorrow I can dream big, and no matter what I will have support on my crazy train. It's amazing how writing and letting my feelings out on "paper" helps me find what I need to hear.