Woman worry...sometimes to much.

I had a few nightmares night before last. Both were so lucid. I woke first at 3 a.m. sweating and crying when i woke. I was trying to run from someone that had hurt me when I was 12. Someone who has hurt my family and has been brought back in the lime light this last year. Not the first time I have dealt with nightmares after this came back in to my life. I rolled over and cuddled Tim and he grabbed me and held me close allowing my mind to ease and for me to drift back to sleep. The second nightmare being even more vivid than the first I struggled telling the difference between the nightmare and real life. It was about some one who has been a part of my life for a very long time. He has been through so much this last year and I worry about him sometimes. I dreamt he had committed suicide. The nightmare seamed to last forever. So many details and so much happened I wasn't even sure where I was when I awoke. I was crying and shaking. Once again I reached for Tim but he was facing the other way. My anxiety started to climb. I had to call him. I wandered to my garage and lit a smoke as the phone start to ring. As I realize it's 5 a.m. and he will probably ignore me he answers with a raspy voice "Hello". I cry a little harder with relief. I am shaking so hard I almost drop my phone on the pavement. Any one who knows me would know I have currently shattered 2 Iphones I was not trying to add another. I apologize to him and explained about my nightmare. That I just had to make sure he was ok, than apologize 4 more times before letting off the phone to go back to sleep. Took me a whole nother cigarette to calm down finally. What was with these nightmares?! Did they mean something? Do I worry to much? I didn't even know how to feel. I text my mom and sisters as we group text each other every day. Asking them WTF is going on? My mom explains it's the devil trying to find his way back in to my life. As I'm laying in bed I pray for my friend, for myself, my fiance and kids, my family, and the man and his family that had hurt mine. Than mom sends this prayer. Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou oh Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the divine power of God, cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits. Who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen. I absolutely love this prayer. Basically me telling the devil, "hey, go jump off a cliff, LOSER!". Haha. Also I think gods way of telling me to not worry so much, I need to let this go to him. Sometimes I can't explain in words why I worry so much and sometimes it seems to get me into trouble. Yesterday evening Tim was offered a part time job that pays well, he could do his school work and build his business while at this job, it's close to home, and seemed like a great opportunity for us. Tim pretty much said "I'll take the job I just have to talk to my wife and call you back tonight." I was upset. First by telling the man that it was up to me. He previously was all excited to stay home full time, grow his business and care for our home and kids and all of a sudden he doesn't want to do that?! Also by not even considering how it affects our kids and myself. I had spent all day with the kids as he had been out helping our friend move. I told him I just needed time to my self, time to think as we started to argue talking about this job offer. He has it figured out to have his kids with their mother when he works so we wouldn't have to get day care as I plan to work also in the near future. But he would be working 3rd shift, 11p.m.-7a.m. sunday through tuesday. Than he said he would switch his sleeping schedule for the rest of the week. I want to believe it would be as easy as he says but I have watched him struggle with sleep and it affect him majorly in a negative way. It's even a bad sign to watch for, for someone with his disorders. I was just so worried, of course, because that's what I do best. He came upstairs and reassured me about all of it but I told him I wouldn't be able to decide than, I needed more time. We have dinner and than deal with trying to put a sick over tired toddler to bed, not much fun just in case you were wondering. I spent that time kind of upset about him not considering us but he had said, if it doesn't work, if his family suffers from this job he will quit. So I tell him as he's lying down next to me, "Take the job, I want you to be happy." Than later when we go to smoke, he asks, " Why did I say yes?" I try to explain and I hear everything coming out all wrong and negatively although I supported the job I was still mad about how he addressed the whole situation. He takes everything I had said all the wrong way and we begin to argue again. I go upstairs, he follows and continues with his rebuttal that was just outright mean and I asked him "is that what you really think of me?" I stand up, told him why would you marry someone that you feel is so vindictive and cruel. He says " I don't think that about you." I reply, "pretty much sounds that way." He feels I'm just lying and don't want him to take the job so he is not going to take it. I don't lie I want him to take this job and I will be mad if he doesn't. In the end we make up and get past it all. I am proud of how I handled myself never saying anything out of anger, expressing how I felt, and ending the argument when I could have drug it on because I was offended. I was offended but was it worth this whole arguement. Tim tends to really overthink stuff and it drives me nuts. But it's part of how his brain works now. I can't change him, only myself. I need to let more go because this whole argument could have been avoided if I would have just asked for time to think instead of being all upset. Although he doesn't overthink a big choice, just negative things for some reason. Frustrating. Also I wear my emotions all over my face, I have been told a time or ten that when i'm angry my eyes are piercing like a dagger. So I need to try not be mad and just remind Tim that i'm frustrated. I need to try not worry so much, things are not always in my control. Ouffda, that's hard for me to even admit. Thank god for oppurtunity, in the form of a new job and oppurtunity for me to let go a little.

What is love?

It has been a few days, been busy spending time with Tim and our kids. There is a subject from Christmas Eve with Tim's mom and step dad that I can't get out of my head. Love...what is love? Love is so much more than a feeling. Actually that feeling in the beginning with someone is more so lust and infatuation. If you asked a newlywed couple and a couple married for 50 years what is love? They're answers will be completely different. Both sides of my grandparents have been married over 50 years. My parents I want to say have been married about 37 years and I am currently planning my wedding. In my family it is tradition to play Long Line of Love by Paul Oversteet. I look to my grandparents and parents as mentors. They have always said love is hard work, that you have to fight for it. Now more than ever do I understand that. Practicing your virtues, love is kind, love is patient, love is selfless, love is so many things. But all these things take work. But I tell yah, at the end of every day, when Tim comforts me when I'm upset, spends time with our kids, when we make love, or even just when he wraps his arms around me at night and pulls me close, it makes every ounce of that work pay off. Also others have noticed. Out of my love for Tim I have gotten good at all these virtues and use them with everyone else I have relationships with. My mom has said she's proud of the woman I have become. My friend that I made up with when I started dating Tim after a long time of not contacting her said she was so happy because of how I changed in such a good way. I notice also, when Tim and I have an disagreement, I practice patients and listen, I control my temper and try to not say anything to hurt his feelings. James 1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. So crazy after a few bad heartbreaks after long term relationships I never understood why and how things kept going wrong. Now it is so clear. We did not have god first. We didn't read from the bible. And right there is your guide to love and life. The happiness I have felt lately is like non other. My mind is clear and at peace even with some crazy amount of stress in my life I have been able to let it mostly all go. Although as a woman it is my job to worry. And I do plenty of just that. I am even practicing and reassuring a stress free process for my wedding, because I am hiring a wedding planner to do it all. This should be fun filled, spiritual process. Not something stressful and a burden. I am so excited to marry Tim, is pretty much an understatement.

Giving my all

Today I was anxiously awaiting some important news, knowing that pretty much any outcome will hugely affect my daughter and I. I found myself being irritable with Tim for the dumbest reasons. I finally get the news and although it wasn't great it could be much worse. I feel all these strong feelings of sadness and anger. Someone I care about is suffering for no good reason and it is hurting my family in the process. Tim holds me as I cry and instantly brainstorms with me on how to help fix or at least make the situation better. We come up with an idea and have hope that it will really work out, although it might be a long process. We are going to put in the work. I felt my anxiety settling and calmness taking over. This last two weeks has been so crazy with emotion and confusion. But Tim is the man I fell in love with but has gained these qualities I thought never existed. He has become so selfless and supportive, sensitive and strong. I don't know what our future holds. But I do know I won't walk it alone. With our faith and each other I believe we can achieve anything. Other than today being so hard, I feel this new happiness and sense of contentment. I also was thrilled to get a package in the mail from Tim's VA counselor. She has sent me two books to read and tons of information about being a caregiver for a veteran. Also links to take a caregivers class online, she set me up with support groups, and even help hotlines. As I know all to well a lot of our issues have stemmed from Tim's PTSD and TBI. I have gone into this relationship blind about what these conditions entail and how to address them. It is so hard to watch someone you love suffer and to not understand why or how to fix it. I did try to do my own research and find resources but couldn't seem to find what I was looking for. I finally reached out and feel so much relief on knowing now I have the resources to help and care for the man I love. I had read some blogs before and got some helpful tips but hated how they glorified being a care giver and not sure why it bugged me so much. Yes I work hard to help Tim. But I would do the same no matter if he was a soldier or a cook with the same issues. I didn't chose to love Tim, god led me to him for a reason. Our love took over but there were times when most women would have walked away. I would have walked away. But my love and strong bond and faith in him kept me here. We don't always understand the things we do or the things that happen. But when times were ruff my ma would always tell me god has a plan and reason even if we don't know what that is yet. I now know god's plan and reason. He definitely did not beat around the bush about this with me. He made me feel love so strong I stayed when my better judgement before would have had me leave. I was meant for this life as Tim's caretaker, his wife, his wings because he is my anchor. Sometimes life brings you crazy places and sometimes you feel you will never see the light at the end of a tunnel. But never be afraid to ask for help, stay strong, pray a lot, and love so hard it hurts. What I give to Tim feels so little compared to what he has done and given me in two weeks. Even the things he doesn't realize he has unintentionally given to me like patience, a virtue I have never been able to grasp tell now. I truly am excited for every new day i'm blessed with. This time of year usually stresses me to the max and this year with the unexpected added stress I would usually be a mess. Although I have lots to get done I don't feel stressed or pressured. I will get Becky's paintings done, I can always make Christmas treats tomorrow or the day after or heck I can make them in March if I really want to. I read in my bible reading today, teaching the story of the little drummer boy, that your little is a lot when you give your all. Don't stress and remember what Christmas is truly about.

Can I?

Sunday, this Sunday, the first day i've been to church in years. Tim awoke and jumped from bed with a smile. Tim never jumps from bed or wakes up smiling, actually I usually avoid him and he avoids me the first half hour he is awake. I joined him in his excitement to start our new day by attending church. Church felt great, i felt welcome, the sermon and pastor were exciting, and I left with hope and feeling touched. We had stopped at Tim's moms house, had lunch, wrapped some gifts, helped our friends move, stopped by Tim's ex wife's house and exchanged a few things, came home had dinner, and watched a movie. Tim also made some huge steps to become a more godly man and husband. We started by listening to a sermon before church about what it means to be a godly wife and a godly husband. Tim had done the research the night before and woke to tell me how if there was an ounce of doubt even left about our relationship or me that hearing these words removed every ounce of it. Being a godly wife entails a lot of things, things I didn't even consciously realize I do. They had all been things I had been practicing in this relationship. The one thing that stuck out in my head the most that brought me to tears when I heard her talk about it was being silent or sitting in silence. This is a trait I very much admit I struggle with and as things got extremely hard between Tim and I, I practiced this and prayed for the patience to continue. Sitting in silence because I know I could no longer help or save him or us. That at that point I had not given up but put it in god's hands. Either we would break or god would give me a miracle all I could do was pray. And this miracle happened and is happening as we speak. Today Tim had a feeling rush over him about full filling his role. God made woman from man's rib so he could keep her close to his heart and protect her. He shall kneel to her for her forgiveness, he shall protect her name, he will guide and provide for her, He shall nourish and cherish her. I could go more in depth but if you would like you can pick up the bible or listen to Uncommon Sense: Qualities of a Godly Husband Ft. Chad Herold on you tube. Today Tim decided to remove temptation from social media. He decided that he wants no chance of lust to cross his mind. He knew he has not cheated but always left a small door open for things to be able to happen. He had done so much that has hurt me and one of the biggest things is not defending my name, my honor. Today he had also kneeled before me and asked for forgiveness. I replied with tears of so much joy, I will! Today we went to his moms for she had fallen to sin and gossip. She had never truly gave me a chance. Tim stood in front of her and his step dad (whom Tim considers a father) and proclaimed his love, protected my name. He asked for guidance but told them as the bible says he shall leave his parents and become one with his wife. His mom was so happy and so sorry for all she has done. I felt so proud and happy, so much he has done for me in such little time. The new chance to build a relationship with his mom. God has been listening and I couldn't believe how strong his message to me was. I prayed for patience and strength, and not only did he provide me these things but he had given Tim all the tools to let god in and become the man i have been so badly needing in my life. It didn't stop here. He proclaimed his love for me and defended my name to his ex wife who has been somewhat poisonous to our relationship. He wanted the whole world to know his love for me and for god saving him and us and how I pulled him up from the lowest place he had ever been. Everyday I am rewarded with even more and it's been emotional and overwhelming and honestly somewhat exhausting. So why, when I lay in bed all of a sudden does my mind race? Why do i feel this hurt and hatred for the wrong doing? Why can't I seem to find room for forgiveness in my heart after all Tim has done for me in just a couple days? I sat in silence for months while knowing this wrongdoing was happening in front of me praying for patience but when asked for forgiveness, after proclaiming his love and becoming every part of this godly man I have wanted and needed I can't seem to let it all go. I want so much to forgive, forget, to be this amazing woman that he knows I can be. So why do I fall short now? I sit here with a heavy heart this evening, battling and praying for even more strength to forgive and move on and feeling guilty not only for asking god for more after all he has gave me, but because I have been so wrapped up in my own selfish problems i had forgot the outside world. For maybe a sister I love but in the mist of all this mess I had hurt unintentionally and still haven't reached out to for forgiveness. I know in my own pain I had said or done hurtful things because I put all my strength and focus in one place. There is also someone I know, whom I have close ties too, that is in the most serious of predicaments and life is literally hanging by a thread. I have forgotten how hugely his life affects so many people i care about including myself, my daughter, and the list goes on. I see him often and have noticed the stress on his face and the frightened tone in his voice. How could I have ignored this, especially tell now. He has never asked much from me and given a lot and helped me. So I shall put my guilt and worry for forgiveness on hold. Tonight I pray for him. May the light of God surrounds you; May the love of God enfold you; May the power of God protect you; May the presence of God watch over you; Wherever you are, God is; And all is well... Ps- I talk about my life, in a nutshell, every day. Not will it always be about Tim, faith, or God. But I may talk about the military, food, family, fun, and sex. Who knows, I know for just re starting this blog this is some heavy stuff and for people on the less religious side....this might even bore you ( I'll pray for you ;) haha, jk). But it is my blog and life so what is happening or I am feeling is what I will discuss.

Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours....

Recently Tim has been so up and down it's like walking on eggshells. His PTSD in full swing, I had even read warning signs that I should be contacting the VA. Mood swings, not sleeping, denial, distant...it was all there. Instead of calling the Va like I should have I bared through it all. I reached out to god. Praying constantly for patience and understanding. It had come to a point I was concerned if I should still get married. But I loved him and I had said for better or worse. Well the worse got worse. I couldn't even talk to him. I felt so alone, but in return I really for the first time let god into my heart truly. Tim and I had talked last week and were really working on things and everything seemed better, so I thought. The other night we finally broke, it was bad. So bad I called the cops in fear that it wouldn't stop escalating. They came, we calmed down and the rage turned into fear. He went upstairs as I layed on the couch. Was this it? Are we done? A million things running through my head...i was so hurt and so overwhelmed i took some anxiety medication and fell asleep. In the morning I rushed the girls off to school and Tim got up with Timmy. As I returned home over tired, emotionally drained and scared, tears running down my face Tim approaches me saying we need to talk after I shower. My heart starts racing again. I have been through breakups but I couldn't stand the thought of losing Tim I loved him so much, but I also couldn't stand the thought of living like this anymore. I took another anxiety med. I finally was somewhat calm by the time we sat at our table to talk. He starts the conversation. Telling me if he moves out he's not giving up, that he won't see anyone else, but he can't keep hurting me like this. That this is the same pattern he had with his ex wife and that he recognized that the problem was him, not me. He loves me so much but can't continue to hurt me. He told me once again how most veterans can't sustain a healthy relationship and I interrupt him. Trying to find the right words. I blurt out I can't lose you and reach for his hand. He pulls away reminding me that we agreed to have a logical conversation not an emotional one because that is why we were even in this position. I tell him I know but I refuse to let you leave without us both trying 100%, exhausting ever recourse we have. I mention church, church counseling, reading scripture, me going to his VA Rep with him. I tell him I can't walk away knowing I will regret it. Knowing we haven't tried our best. He starts to cry, and starts pouring his heart out agreeing. He never wanted to leave but thought it was his only choice to stop hurting me. He pulls me up and hugs me tight telling me he will do anything. We make sure our kids are taken care of as we know this weekend/week will be a hard and emotional journey. we start by him, for the first time listening to me and not getting defensive or mad. He actually understood and agreed. We went through everything that has hurt me and addressed it. We spent hours talking and praying together. He broke down to me several times. For the first time he had let god into his heart and was finally able to be the man he wanted to be this entire time. I can't even explain the overwhelming feeling we both had and how the scripture spoke to us. How we truly understood that you can not have a successful marriage without god being the base of it. Not only our we saving our love, our friendship, our relationship, but Tim is really coming around with his PTSD and TBI. He keeps thanking me for believing in him and never leaving or giving up, and for just existing. He said he always loved me but his love is somehow different, he sees me differently. He has put me on this pedestal, as i have had him on all along. I have been praying to god for patience, and he gave me that and the strength to stick by Tim through his worst. And after we both had let god in, he has finally come into our relationship and is guiding us to healing. We can't describe the feeling or how crazy the last few days have been, but it is life changing. When you are filled with worry, scared, and at the end of your rope. Let go, let god in and he will truly save you. Today we plan to bake, clean, and spend this time together repairing and rebuilding our love. I have never been happier I have perma grin. I now without a doubt know I will have everything I have dreamed of. It takes work but the work pays off with great reward. If love was easy, everyone would do it. leaving you today with a great quote from Beethoven - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine ever mine ever ours P.S. -this a very hard and emotional thing to post. If you have something negative to say. Just go to the right upper hand corner and hit the x. I don't have time for your negativity in my life. Thank you and have a nice day!

When dreams change....

My last post was years ago....back than I was chasing what I had thought I wanted for my life. But life changes, people change, I have changed. At 22 I was ready to take on the world thinking I needed to be something or somebody, reaching out to make myself happy again. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my experience and it forever changed my life, and in my heart at that time in my life I know that is what I needed to do. After returning home I have gone through many good times and many bad. Heartache, jobs, even being technically homeless (thankful for the person whom let me crash and gave me somewhere to live for a while) not do to finances but lack of housing, death of my grandfather, and much more. Last year I had a rough year, moving every few months, bartending making good money, but unable to provide for myself or my child the way I would like too. The worked doubles all weekend at a major sports bar on weekends and made good money. I had been single most of that year, a lot of dates but from past experience I had decided to stop settling on something I had control over. I finally knew my self worth and I wouldn't settle for less. I spent my time cherishing my daughter and friends. I had even come to a point of accepting that I am not the marrying type. I loved my own company and the way I wanted to live my life. I had plans. I would bartend a couple days a week and make mad money, live in my means and spend my money showing my daughter the world. Travel and engaging with interesting people has always been my thing. Well in this small town in northern MN area winter is busy for the bars, but to my surprise spring had slowed down so much I had to make some choices. I decided I had to take a full time job at least for the summer, as I had deplenished my savings from having to move so much. I was really sad as I had grown to love my coworkers and job. I had even met a man who had become my best friend. We enjoyed each other but never looked at each other as a potential gf/bf. We hung out and had so much fun. He would always have my back in the bar when I needed. So to my surprise when I invited him to a friend’s cabin for a few and he brought some friends including a girl he had started seeing I got nervous for some reason. The night was fun and the girl was pretty and sweet. But by the next day I felt this urge that I needed to try insinuate how I felt without being to blunt, I was talking to my friend Chase whose cabin we had been at the night before about these feelings. He laughed and said “Kim, it was obvious to everyone in that room that you guys love each other. But apparently not to the two of you." I told him he was crazy but had left thinking about what he had said, reminiscing how we would sarcastically give each other shit and have conversation as no one else was there. The following weekend as always I had two work doubles and was having car issues. Immediately I call Tim (the friend I suddenly had feelings for) and asked him if I could crash at his place for the weekend. Since he lived close and all. All weekend I dropped hints still questioning if I really liked him or was I worried this girl would take my friend from me. Well one night after work Tim had some of his friends over. A few beers in and cornered alone in the garage with his friend, he told me how Tim and I were meant for each other and how Tim was in love with me. I laughed and had told him how I had dropped hints all weekend and had even been sleeping next to him cuddling (mind he wasn't in a relationship just had a few dates with the other girl) and Tim has never even suggested in any way that he liked me like that. Matt laughed and said Tim was dumb but he knew he loved me. Finally that next night Tim made the move....I was hooked. That day we officially started dating, a week after he and I were cleaning the bar as I closed and he slipped that he was in love with me. His face said he was sincere but mortified. But I felt the same, I was in love. How could this be? A week ago we were just friends. All the while we were blissful but things were about to change. That same night we had decided we should marry. We both knew what we wanted that we loved each other and why wait. I was dying inside as he made me keep this secret tell he could ask my parents’ permission. I had a week I figured tell we planned to visit so I could handle it, So I thought. All of sudden I fell extremely ill. After a week in the hospital they diagnosed me with Crohn's disease. All I could think was get me out of this hospital so I can tell the world I’m in love. Literally the day I was released I picked Tim up and we left for my folk’s house. Things were as they should be I thought. Time progressed. Tim is a veteran. Who has TBI and PTSD, he had warned me in the beginning that he is not easy to love or be with. I laughed, not knowing how true this statement was. Between my ongoing illness, and living with a wounded warrior. I don't know what was or whom made this relationship harder. I recognized my attitude and mood when sometimes I thought it might be too late. I couldn't always hide my pain from inside or out. His suffering started to show on a daily basis, I began to feel like a prisoner in my own home. But my love, I just refused to let this sickness ruin us. We have gone through bad and even worse in a short amount of time but this man still stands by my side proud just as I do him. If love was easy everyone would do it. I have never been so sure about something or someone in my life. As we still struggle....we are doing better now. I have done research and reached out to people in my circumstance. Marrying a soldier is an honor but not easy. But one day after so much hurt and confusion and discussion, it dawned on me. I was the first person to truly love him since his last deployment. Love him for who he is now, the man he has become, the bad, the good, the ugly, the beautiful. From this moment on I knew no matter what, the ups and all the downs. I love him, he loves me and we can overcome all this and it will only make us stronger. I am done running, this was the real deal and although I have never been so scared, I can't leave the one thing that I knew was true in my heart from day one. We both sit in separate rooms as I speak both praying and hurt. But I know when I finish this blog I will go to him, kiss him, and everything will be right in the world. God has lead us here for a reason and we both have faith in him and each other. I end this thought with a prayer for those who are away, for the people they love. For those without faith. I am a person I never even thought I could imagine I could become, I’m patient, understanding, faithful, and kind. Because god led me to him...Tim I love you....every part of you.