Woman worry...sometimes to much.

I had a few nightmares night before last. Both were so lucid. I woke first at 3 a.m. sweating and crying when i woke. I was trying to run from someone that had hurt me when I was 12. Someone who has hurt my family and has been brought back in the lime light this last year. Not the first time I have dealt with nightmares after this came back in to my life. I rolled over and cuddled Tim and he grabbed me and held me close allowing my mind to ease and for me to drift back to sleep. The second nightmare being even more vivid than the first I struggled telling the difference between the nightmare and real life. It was about some one who has been a part of my life for a very long time. He has been through so much this last year and I worry about him sometimes. I dreamt he had committed suicide. The nightmare seamed to last forever. So many details and so much happened I wasn't even sure where I was when I awoke. I was crying and shaking. Once again I reached for Tim but he was facing the other way. My anxiety started to climb. I had to call him. I wandered to my garage and lit a smoke as the phone start to ring. As I realize it's 5 a.m. and he will probably ignore me he answers with a raspy voice "Hello". I cry a little harder with relief. I am shaking so hard I almost drop my phone on the pavement. Any one who knows me would know I have currently shattered 2 Iphones I was not trying to add another. I apologize to him and explained about my nightmare. That I just had to make sure he was ok, than apologize 4 more times before letting off the phone to go back to sleep. Took me a whole nother cigarette to calm down finally. What was with these nightmares?! Did they mean something? Do I worry to much? I didn't even know how to feel. I text my mom and sisters as we group text each other every day. Asking them WTF is going on? My mom explains it's the devil trying to find his way back in to my life. As I'm laying in bed I pray for my friend, for myself, my fiance and kids, my family, and the man and his family that had hurt mine. Than mom sends this prayer. Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou oh Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the divine power of God, cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits. Who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen. I absolutely love this prayer. Basically me telling the devil, "hey, go jump off a cliff, LOSER!". Haha. Also I think gods way of telling me to not worry so much, I need to let this go to him. Sometimes I can't explain in words why I worry so much and sometimes it seems to get me into trouble. Yesterday evening Tim was offered a part time job that pays well, he could do his school work and build his business while at this job, it's close to home, and seemed like a great opportunity for us. Tim pretty much said "I'll take the job I just have to talk to my wife and call you back tonight." I was upset. First by telling the man that it was up to me. He previously was all excited to stay home full time, grow his business and care for our home and kids and all of a sudden he doesn't want to do that?! Also by not even considering how it affects our kids and myself. I had spent all day with the kids as he had been out helping our friend move. I told him I just needed time to my self, time to think as we started to argue talking about this job offer. He has it figured out to have his kids with their mother when he works so we wouldn't have to get day care as I plan to work also in the near future. But he would be working 3rd shift, 11p.m.-7a.m. sunday through tuesday. Than he said he would switch his sleeping schedule for the rest of the week. I want to believe it would be as easy as he says but I have watched him struggle with sleep and it affect him majorly in a negative way. It's even a bad sign to watch for, for someone with his disorders. I was just so worried, of course, because that's what I do best. He came upstairs and reassured me about all of it but I told him I wouldn't be able to decide than, I needed more time. We have dinner and than deal with trying to put a sick over tired toddler to bed, not much fun just in case you were wondering. I spent that time kind of upset about him not considering us but he had said, if it doesn't work, if his family suffers from this job he will quit. So I tell him as he's lying down next to me, "Take the job, I want you to be happy." Than later when we go to smoke, he asks, " Why did I say yes?" I try to explain and I hear everything coming out all wrong and negatively although I supported the job I was still mad about how he addressed the whole situation. He takes everything I had said all the wrong way and we begin to argue again. I go upstairs, he follows and continues with his rebuttal that was just outright mean and I asked him "is that what you really think of me?" I stand up, told him why would you marry someone that you feel is so vindictive and cruel. He says " I don't think that about you." I reply, "pretty much sounds that way." He feels I'm just lying and don't want him to take the job so he is not going to take it. I don't lie I want him to take this job and I will be mad if he doesn't. In the end we make up and get past it all. I am proud of how I handled myself never saying anything out of anger, expressing how I felt, and ending the argument when I could have drug it on because I was offended. I was offended but was it worth this whole arguement. Tim tends to really overthink stuff and it drives me nuts. But it's part of how his brain works now. I can't change him, only myself. I need to let more go because this whole argument could have been avoided if I would have just asked for time to think instead of being all upset. Although he doesn't overthink a big choice, just negative things for some reason. Frustrating. Also I wear my emotions all over my face, I have been told a time or ten that when i'm angry my eyes are piercing like a dagger. So I need to try not be mad and just remind Tim that i'm frustrated. I need to try not worry so much, things are not always in my control. Ouffda, that's hard for me to even admit. Thank god for oppurtunity, in the form of a new job and oppurtunity for me to let go a little.