Can I?

Sunday, this Sunday, the first day i've been to church in years. Tim awoke and jumped from bed with a smile. Tim never jumps from bed or wakes up smiling, actually I usually avoid him and he avoids me the first half hour he is awake. I joined him in his excitement to start our new day by attending church. Church felt great, i felt welcome, the sermon and pastor were exciting, and I left with hope and feeling touched. We had stopped at Tim's moms house, had lunch, wrapped some gifts, helped our friends move, stopped by Tim's ex wife's house and exchanged a few things, came home had dinner, and watched a movie. Tim also made some huge steps to become a more godly man and husband. We started by listening to a sermon before church about what it means to be a godly wife and a godly husband. Tim had done the research the night before and woke to tell me how if there was an ounce of doubt even left about our relationship or me that hearing these words removed every ounce of it. Being a godly wife entails a lot of things, things I didn't even consciously realize I do. They had all been things I had been practicing in this relationship. The one thing that stuck out in my head the most that brought me to tears when I heard her talk about it was being silent or sitting in silence. This is a trait I very much admit I struggle with and as things got extremely hard between Tim and I, I practiced this and prayed for the patience to continue. Sitting in silence because I know I could no longer help or save him or us. That at that point I had not given up but put it in god's hands. Either we would break or god would give me a miracle all I could do was pray. And this miracle happened and is happening as we speak. Today Tim had a feeling rush over him about full filling his role. God made woman from man's rib so he could keep her close to his heart and protect her. He shall kneel to her for her forgiveness, he shall protect her name, he will guide and provide for her, He shall nourish and cherish her. I could go more in depth but if you would like you can pick up the bible or listen to Uncommon Sense: Qualities of a Godly Husband Ft. Chad Herold on you tube. Today Tim decided to remove temptation from social media. He decided that he wants no chance of lust to cross his mind. He knew he has not cheated but always left a small door open for things to be able to happen. He had done so much that has hurt me and one of the biggest things is not defending my name, my honor. Today he had also kneeled before me and asked for forgiveness. I replied with tears of so much joy, I will! Today we went to his moms for she had fallen to sin and gossip. She had never truly gave me a chance. Tim stood in front of her and his step dad (whom Tim considers a father) and proclaimed his love, protected my name. He asked for guidance but told them as the bible says he shall leave his parents and become one with his wife. His mom was so happy and so sorry for all she has done. I felt so proud and happy, so much he has done for me in such little time. The new chance to build a relationship with his mom. God has been listening and I couldn't believe how strong his message to me was. I prayed for patience and strength, and not only did he provide me these things but he had given Tim all the tools to let god in and become the man i have been so badly needing in my life. It didn't stop here. He proclaimed his love for me and defended my name to his ex wife who has been somewhat poisonous to our relationship. He wanted the whole world to know his love for me and for god saving him and us and how I pulled him up from the lowest place he had ever been. Everyday I am rewarded with even more and it's been emotional and overwhelming and honestly somewhat exhausting. So why, when I lay in bed all of a sudden does my mind race? Why do i feel this hurt and hatred for the wrong doing? Why can't I seem to find room for forgiveness in my heart after all Tim has done for me in just a couple days? I sat in silence for months while knowing this wrongdoing was happening in front of me praying for patience but when asked for forgiveness, after proclaiming his love and becoming every part of this godly man I have wanted and needed I can't seem to let it all go. I want so much to forgive, forget, to be this amazing woman that he knows I can be. So why do I fall short now? I sit here with a heavy heart this evening, battling and praying for even more strength to forgive and move on and feeling guilty not only for asking god for more after all he has gave me, but because I have been so wrapped up in my own selfish problems i had forgot the outside world. For maybe a sister I love but in the mist of all this mess I had hurt unintentionally and still haven't reached out to for forgiveness. I know in my own pain I had said or done hurtful things because I put all my strength and focus in one place. There is also someone I know, whom I have close ties too, that is in the most serious of predicaments and life is literally hanging by a thread. I have forgotten how hugely his life affects so many people i care about including myself, my daughter, and the list goes on. I see him often and have noticed the stress on his face and the frightened tone in his voice. How could I have ignored this, especially tell now. He has never asked much from me and given a lot and helped me. So I shall put my guilt and worry for forgiveness on hold. Tonight I pray for him. May the light of God surrounds you; May the love of God enfold you; May the power of God protect you; May the presence of God watch over you; Wherever you are, God is; And all is well... Ps- I talk about my life, in a nutshell, every day. Not will it always be about Tim, faith, or God. But I may talk about the military, food, family, fun, and sex. Who knows, I know for just re starting this blog this is some heavy stuff and for people on the less religious side....this might even bore you ( I'll pray for you ;) haha, jk). But it is my blog and life so what is happening or I am feeling is what I will discuss.