When dreams change....

My last post was years ago....back than I was chasing what I had thought I wanted for my life. But life changes, people change, I have changed. At 22 I was ready to take on the world thinking I needed to be something or somebody, reaching out to make myself happy again. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my experience and it forever changed my life, and in my heart at that time in my life I know that is what I needed to do. After returning home I have gone through many good times and many bad. Heartache, jobs, even being technically homeless (thankful for the person whom let me crash and gave me somewhere to live for a while) not do to finances but lack of housing, death of my grandfather, and much more. Last year I had a rough year, moving every few months, bartending making good money, but unable to provide for myself or my child the way I would like too. The worked doubles all weekend at a major sports bar on weekends and made good money. I had been single most of that year, a lot of dates but from past experience I had decided to stop settling on something I had control over. I finally knew my self worth and I wouldn't settle for less. I spent my time cherishing my daughter and friends. I had even come to a point of accepting that I am not the marrying type. I loved my own company and the way I wanted to live my life. I had plans. I would bartend a couple days a week and make mad money, live in my means and spend my money showing my daughter the world. Travel and engaging with interesting people has always been my thing. Well in this small town in northern MN area winter is busy for the bars, but to my surprise spring had slowed down so much I had to make some choices. I decided I had to take a full time job at least for the summer, as I had deplenished my savings from having to move so much. I was really sad as I had grown to love my coworkers and job. I had even met a man who had become my best friend. We enjoyed each other but never looked at each other as a potential gf/bf. We hung out and had so much fun. He would always have my back in the bar when I needed. So to my surprise when I invited him to a friend’s cabin for a few and he brought some friends including a girl he had started seeing I got nervous for some reason. The night was fun and the girl was pretty and sweet. But by the next day I felt this urge that I needed to try insinuate how I felt without being to blunt, I was talking to my friend Chase whose cabin we had been at the night before about these feelings. He laughed and said “Kim, it was obvious to everyone in that room that you guys love each other. But apparently not to the two of you." I told him he was crazy but had left thinking about what he had said, reminiscing how we would sarcastically give each other shit and have conversation as no one else was there. The following weekend as always I had two work doubles and was having car issues. Immediately I call Tim (the friend I suddenly had feelings for) and asked him if I could crash at his place for the weekend. Since he lived close and all. All weekend I dropped hints still questioning if I really liked him or was I worried this girl would take my friend from me. Well one night after work Tim had some of his friends over. A few beers in and cornered alone in the garage with his friend, he told me how Tim and I were meant for each other and how Tim was in love with me. I laughed and had told him how I had dropped hints all weekend and had even been sleeping next to him cuddling (mind he wasn't in a relationship just had a few dates with the other girl) and Tim has never even suggested in any way that he liked me like that. Matt laughed and said Tim was dumb but he knew he loved me. Finally that next night Tim made the move....I was hooked. That day we officially started dating, a week after he and I were cleaning the bar as I closed and he slipped that he was in love with me. His face said he was sincere but mortified. But I felt the same, I was in love. How could this be? A week ago we were just friends. All the while we were blissful but things were about to change. That same night we had decided we should marry. We both knew what we wanted that we loved each other and why wait. I was dying inside as he made me keep this secret tell he could ask my parents’ permission. I had a week I figured tell we planned to visit so I could handle it, So I thought. All of sudden I fell extremely ill. After a week in the hospital they diagnosed me with Crohn's disease. All I could think was get me out of this hospital so I can tell the world I’m in love. Literally the day I was released I picked Tim up and we left for my folk’s house. Things were as they should be I thought. Time progressed. Tim is a veteran. Who has TBI and PTSD, he had warned me in the beginning that he is not easy to love or be with. I laughed, not knowing how true this statement was. Between my ongoing illness, and living with a wounded warrior. I don't know what was or whom made this relationship harder. I recognized my attitude and mood when sometimes I thought it might be too late. I couldn't always hide my pain from inside or out. His suffering started to show on a daily basis, I began to feel like a prisoner in my own home. But my love, I just refused to let this sickness ruin us. We have gone through bad and even worse in a short amount of time but this man still stands by my side proud just as I do him. If love was easy everyone would do it. I have never been so sure about something or someone in my life. As we still struggle....we are doing better now. I have done research and reached out to people in my circumstance. Marrying a soldier is an honor but not easy. But one day after so much hurt and confusion and discussion, it dawned on me. I was the first person to truly love him since his last deployment. Love him for who he is now, the man he has become, the bad, the good, the ugly, the beautiful. From this moment on I knew no matter what, the ups and all the downs. I love him, he loves me and we can overcome all this and it will only make us stronger. I am done running, this was the real deal and although I have never been so scared, I can't leave the one thing that I knew was true in my heart from day one. We both sit in separate rooms as I speak both praying and hurt. But I know when I finish this blog I will go to him, kiss him, and everything will be right in the world. God has lead us here for a reason and we both have faith in him and each other. I end this thought with a prayer for those who are away, for the people they love. For those without faith. I am a person I never even thought I could imagine I could become, I’m patient, understanding, faithful, and kind. Because god led me to him...Tim I love you....every part of you.