Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours....

Recently Tim has been so up and down it's like walking on eggshells. His PTSD in full swing, I had even read warning signs that I should be contacting the VA. Mood swings, not sleeping, denial, distant...it was all there. Instead of calling the Va like I should have I bared through it all. I reached out to god. Praying constantly for patience and understanding. It had come to a point I was concerned if I should still get married. But I loved him and I had said for better or worse. Well the worse got worse. I couldn't even talk to him. I felt so alone, but in return I really for the first time let god into my heart truly. Tim and I had talked last week and were really working on things and everything seemed better, so I thought. The other night we finally broke, it was bad. So bad I called the cops in fear that it wouldn't stop escalating. They came, we calmed down and the rage turned into fear. He went upstairs as I layed on the couch. Was this it? Are we done? A million things running through my head...i was so hurt and so overwhelmed i took some anxiety medication and fell asleep. In the morning I rushed the girls off to school and Tim got up with Timmy. As I returned home over tired, emotionally drained and scared, tears running down my face Tim approaches me saying we need to talk after I shower. My heart starts racing again. I have been through breakups but I couldn't stand the thought of losing Tim I loved him so much, but I also couldn't stand the thought of living like this anymore. I took another anxiety med. I finally was somewhat calm by the time we sat at our table to talk. He starts the conversation. Telling me if he moves out he's not giving up, that he won't see anyone else, but he can't keep hurting me like this. That this is the same pattern he had with his ex wife and that he recognized that the problem was him, not me. He loves me so much but can't continue to hurt me. He told me once again how most veterans can't sustain a healthy relationship and I interrupt him. Trying to find the right words. I blurt out I can't lose you and reach for his hand. He pulls away reminding me that we agreed to have a logical conversation not an emotional one because that is why we were even in this position. I tell him I know but I refuse to let you leave without us both trying 100%, exhausting ever recourse we have. I mention church, church counseling, reading scripture, me going to his VA Rep with him. I tell him I can't walk away knowing I will regret it. Knowing we haven't tried our best. He starts to cry, and starts pouring his heart out agreeing. He never wanted to leave but thought it was his only choice to stop hurting me. He pulls me up and hugs me tight telling me he will do anything. We make sure our kids are taken care of as we know this weekend/week will be a hard and emotional journey. we start by him, for the first time listening to me and not getting defensive or mad. He actually understood and agreed. We went through everything that has hurt me and addressed it. We spent hours talking and praying together. He broke down to me several times. For the first time he had let god into his heart and was finally able to be the man he wanted to be this entire time. I can't even explain the overwhelming feeling we both had and how the scripture spoke to us. How we truly understood that you can not have a successful marriage without god being the base of it. Not only our we saving our love, our friendship, our relationship, but Tim is really coming around with his PTSD and TBI. He keeps thanking me for believing in him and never leaving or giving up, and for just existing. He said he always loved me but his love is somehow different, he sees me differently. He has put me on this pedestal, as i have had him on all along. I have been praying to god for patience, and he gave me that and the strength to stick by Tim through his worst. And after we both had let god in, he has finally come into our relationship and is guiding us to healing. We can't describe the feeling or how crazy the last few days have been, but it is life changing. When you are filled with worry, scared, and at the end of your rope. Let go, let god in and he will truly save you. Today we plan to bake, clean, and spend this time together repairing and rebuilding our love. I have never been happier I have perma grin. I now without a doubt know I will have everything I have dreamed of. It takes work but the work pays off with great reward. If love was easy, everyone would do it. leaving you today with a great quote from Beethoven - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine ever mine ever ours P.S. -this a very hard and emotional thing to post. If you have something negative to say. Just go to the right upper hand corner and hit the x. I don't have time for your negativity in my life. Thank you and have a nice day!