Giving my all

Today I was anxiously awaiting some important news, knowing that pretty much any outcome will hugely affect my daughter and I. I found myself being irritable with Tim for the dumbest reasons. I finally get the news and although it wasn't great it could be much worse. I feel all these strong feelings of sadness and anger. Someone I care about is suffering for no good reason and it is hurting my family in the process. Tim holds me as I cry and instantly brainstorms with me on how to help fix or at least make the situation better. We come up with an idea and have hope that it will really work out, although it might be a long process. We are going to put in the work. I felt my anxiety settling and calmness taking over. This last two weeks has been so crazy with emotion and confusion. But Tim is the man I fell in love with but has gained these qualities I thought never existed. He has become so selfless and supportive, sensitive and strong. I don't know what our future holds. But I do know I won't walk it alone. With our faith and each other I believe we can achieve anything. Other than today being so hard, I feel this new happiness and sense of contentment. I also was thrilled to get a package in the mail from Tim's VA counselor. She has sent me two books to read and tons of information about being a caregiver for a veteran. Also links to take a caregivers class online, she set me up with support groups, and even help hotlines. As I know all to well a lot of our issues have stemmed from Tim's PTSD and TBI. I have gone into this relationship blind about what these conditions entail and how to address them. It is so hard to watch someone you love suffer and to not understand why or how to fix it. I did try to do my own research and find resources but couldn't seem to find what I was looking for. I finally reached out and feel so much relief on knowing now I have the resources to help and care for the man I love. I had read some blogs before and got some helpful tips but hated how they glorified being a care giver and not sure why it bugged me so much. Yes I work hard to help Tim. But I would do the same no matter if he was a soldier or a cook with the same issues. I didn't chose to love Tim, god led me to him for a reason. Our love took over but there were times when most women would have walked away. I would have walked away. But my love and strong bond and faith in him kept me here. We don't always understand the things we do or the things that happen. But when times were ruff my ma would always tell me god has a plan and reason even if we don't know what that is yet. I now know god's plan and reason. He definitely did not beat around the bush about this with me. He made me feel love so strong I stayed when my better judgement before would have had me leave. I was meant for this life as Tim's caretaker, his wife, his wings because he is my anchor. Sometimes life brings you crazy places and sometimes you feel you will never see the light at the end of a tunnel. But never be afraid to ask for help, stay strong, pray a lot, and love so hard it hurts. What I give to Tim feels so little compared to what he has done and given me in two weeks. Even the things he doesn't realize he has unintentionally given to me like patience, a virtue I have never been able to grasp tell now. I truly am excited for every new day i'm blessed with. This time of year usually stresses me to the max and this year with the unexpected added stress I would usually be a mess. Although I have lots to get done I don't feel stressed or pressured. I will get Becky's paintings done, I can always make Christmas treats tomorrow or the day after or heck I can make them in March if I really want to. I read in my bible reading today, teaching the story of the little drummer boy, that your little is a lot when you give your all. Don't stress and remember what Christmas is truly about.